The term “custody” is disfavored by judges, lawyers, and legislators – picture a child being led around in handcuffs. The modern approach is to view things from the perspective of the child, not parents. In the modern view, we split “Custody” into Parenting Time and Decision-Making.
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Some parents treat “custody” of their children as a battle to be fought, a trophy to win, or a weapon in the broader context of “who’s right.” We believe parents who approach parenting issues this way just don’t know better and haven’t stopped to consider the consequences before they head down this misguided path.
The fog of divorce can cloud judgment and crowd out thoughtful decisions. But once the light comes on, and a parent grasps the damage they’re doing to their children – and their relationship with their children – we find most parents change course and remove the children as a focal point for their conflict.
To facilitate this evolution away from “custody” and toward parenting, we break down the traditional concept of “custody” into two parts – Parenting Time and Decision Making.
Even if you accept the distinction between “custody” and parenting, it’s tempting to engage in a battle of minutes when it comes to allocating parenting time. It’s very common for parents to lose track of the goal of serving the best interests of the kids when they get lost in the weeds of transition times and schedules. One parent wants the other to pick up the kids at 6:30 PM and the other wants to grab the kids right after school. Who’s doing the driving and who’s doing the homework and why does it have to be 6:30 PM? Parents dig into their respective trenches and get ready to battle over a 2.5 hour time difference while the lawyers get richer.
Developing a parenting plan offers so many opportunities to fight, or to work together. What we find is, that if the parents start off by finding common ground and agree on keeping the interests of the child primary, the areas of disagreement are much easier to resolve. And it’s perfectly natural for there to be areas of disagreement.
Good plans require cooperation from both parents. Parents who put their kids first can develop a parenting plan that is flexible, fair, and in the best interests of their children. By familiarizing yourself with the court’s expectations, you’ll be better able to meet both yours and your children’s goals.
The second part of the old “custody” equation is decision-making. Who decides which school a child attends, which church they go to, which doctor they see? These decisions have lasting effects on the well-being and development of a child. Because of this, courts separately consider each parent’s ability to make wise decisions for the child. Decision-making responsibility is allocated accordingly.
Courts determine if the parents are able to work together on all decisions, or whether the decision-making responsibility should be divided up. Another consideration for determining decision-making may be a review of how the family reached decisions before the divorce began. How did the parents select the doctor, school, or daycare? These factors will play a role in the final decision.
Parenting Plans address dates, times and places, and answer questions such as:
The best way to keep a parenting plan from becoming contentious is to make it extremely detailed. This provides certainty and security. You can always make changes to the parenting plan by agreement of both parents. In our experience, the more detailed the plan, the more likely it is to work. The less detailed the plan, the more likely it is that unanticipated circumstances will arise and cause conflict.
Custody can be a stressful and emotional process. And, like most family law cases, no one case is the same. It’s important to be informed as much as you can about the different aspects of custody. Here are some of the other vital areas.
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